Here is what I can say for sure about rejection – it comes in all sizes!
I love being outside with the dogs, between the cool Carribean Sea breeze and the hot Jamaican sun, there is something very therapeutic about being outside with my barefoot on the earth and skin taking in the vitamin d. But best of all is what nature does to the mind and soul.
We all know that the scientific studies have been done and results found the sun is a key common denominator to healing symptoms of depression. I have a lot to say about depression. I, however, (“comma”) do not want to sound like I am linking rejection to depression or depression to rejection but we can not lie they can be linked. Not necessarily cause and effect but I would say there are connections in different ways.
I struggled with symptoms of depression for a period of time.
Just being told “no” in the smallest, what seems irrelevant situations can be a challenge to accept. But I also think that there are times when what I am asking of someone should be duly noted that it is of import to me. And especially if it involves quality time. My love language is quality time. This can come packaged in so many ways and is not the point here.
But the point is: though it may seem like you are saying “no” to something irrelevant to you, it may not be to that person.
This all makes me think about a counseling session where it was recommended that I have a code word I use when a conversation is becoming uncomfortable or I am feeling fearful or unsafe. Now of course we cannot share a code word in all potential circumstances as that would be strange.
Perhaps we should form code words on a Likert scale that will signify and allow us to rate the importance of the “ask”, which could potentially cause the rejection.
Certainly, there are bigger areas in life, but what about discounting the micro-rejections. It seems to me that these add up and especially in the context of intimate relationships.
This last weekend, I had to be a big girl and put my big girl pants on and go to a store to negotiate the price of a couch. In Jamaica everything is negotiable and I mean everything! For the last two weeks I asked my partner in crime to go with me and do the talking and of course his answer, “no problem mon.” Well, he did not feel well on the day I was finally able to get there. I am pretty patient and easy going but this rejection upset me. It was more than just going to get a couch. I am still a foreigner and still not fully comfortable with it all. Obviously buying a couch was not life or death, and could have waited yet another day, but I was so tired of sitting on the hard couch that I bought 6 months ago whose cheap legs broke and has since set on the hard floor, like a Japanese za isu.
Of course, these are the times when you do lean into love, and choose to think of the other person over your own wants or needs because that is what you do in a loving relationship. Rather than a transactional one where each party serves themself and seeks its own wants or even needs. (I must add here that I am extremely sensitive to not minimizing human needs in a loving relationship and especially marriage, so please do not think that I am minimizing human needs by saying that our partner or spouse can be excused and reject you as a norm. This is emotional abuse.)
I do not like being rejected as I imagine most people do not like being rejected either, and when at the hands of someone I do so much for it is hard to not take offense when being told “no.” So instead of focusing on why rejection has to keep happening and that I dislike it, I decided to focus on what I am going to do when I am rejected or even feel rejected.
When possible give myself what the other person is not giving me.
Control self! When possible express how you feel at a later time, not when the rejected feelings are being experienced.
If you are curious, this is the grand finale of a series of posts that I wrote on rejection. It is very interesting to see the themes, connections, and progression between each post. There are similarities and of course, the common thread of rejection, and yet they are each so different. The first post shows a clear progression in my writing. The different blog posts on rejection also show my views on the role Jesus, the Bible, and Christianity have played and still play in my life. The second post was edited recently when I revamped the blog, so it has a bit of twist, a little of the old me and past life with the now me.
There are so many ways to be rejected and feel rejected.
On this holiday weekend, I am reminded even Jesus was rejected and he is and was the King of Kings.
I look forward to sharing more of my journey of healing from rejection.